Sorry I haven't written anything in a long time. Things in my life are changing irrevocably. I'm not really sure how to react to any of it. I guess part of the reason I haven't written is because recently I got good news from Tbay that Karen was getting married. I decided to dignify that with a good long silence before I ruin the tremendous happiness with my misery.
Things here are awful. Dziadziu is dying. I'm told it's any day now. My Mom had a anniversary party for Babcia and Dziadziu at the hospice because she knows he isn't going to be around till Sunday. I dread that phone call like I've never dreading anything in my entire life. But I don't cry. I don't even allow myself to think about it long enough to let any emotion surface. I just can't otherwise I won't be able to get on with things. Soon I won't have a choice and I'll have to deal with it.
I feel like an orphan. I know I don't have a home to go back to in Thunder Bay. It doesn't exist anymore, especially now that Dziadziu won't be there either. All of my Thunder Bay friends with the exception of one don't keep in contact anymore. Even Karen, I feel so far removed from our friendship I wonder if we are friends. She's getting married and I know nothing about it other than I'm the maid of honour and the wedding is November 11 2006.
Right now is when I need my friends with the way things keep going wrong, I've really needed her but she hasn't answered my emails. Probably because they are too depressing and she's too happy to want to read them or think about them.
My job isn't going so great. I don't have very much to do and am often bored. I don't feel challenged or interested. I keep at it because I hope it will lead to something that is enjoyable.
I don't have any romantic possibilities. There was someone for a brief period made me feel hopeful but as usual turned into nothing. Now the fear sets in more now that yet another friend is getting married. And I have yet to have 1 serious relationship. What is wrong with me? Why am I so repulsive?
The apartment search has been stressing me out. All this searching and no finding. It's so montonous and stressful. I finally find a place and now I'm on pins and needles waiting to find out if I get it after having to compete for it. It's the only place that is what I need.
I'm just stretched so thin right now...I'm walking this tightrope between calmness and complete loss of control. If I stop and think about the state of my life for 10 seconds this horrible sobbing threatens to overwhelm me. So I try not to think about it. I'm not sure how long that is gonna hold.
I'm so scared.
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